I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”