I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
You Might Also Like
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Cucumbers Anonymous
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.