I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.