I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.


Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish


I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.


my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store


My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.


Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.


*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule


I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background


Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.


[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”