@Halbeerz

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

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@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

@EndhooS

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

@ianabramson

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

@seamussaid

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@BipolarBearDick

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

@IvoryGazelle

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

@ColonelRyan_I

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

@Shariv67

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”