I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.