I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
$4 #usedbooks
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine