I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out