I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
🙂🙃🥹
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”