It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You cunts.
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.