I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.