I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Mad Max Arctic Road
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving