I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.