I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂