I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Good morning y’all ☀️
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.