I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank