Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

People who hate candy corn love telling you.