I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
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I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
craving $300 all of a sudden
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
A small tragedy.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.