I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.