I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??