I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Pass gas, not judgment.