Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.