I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
You Might Also Like
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird