My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!