I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.