I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok