I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Actually cracking up @ this
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.