“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
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What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans