I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Me irl
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect