@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

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@jwoodham

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

@OneFunnyMummy

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

@CrockettForReal

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@chino_lol

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

@DurtMcHurtt

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

@ktmcburr

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

@TheAlexP

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.