I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.