I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.


I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods


If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently


Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.


Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard


There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.


This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.


Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.


95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.