I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
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if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”