I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.


*uses Oujia board*


me: what’s updog?


me: what

cat: what


If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.


[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello


“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?


Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.


Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I


We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us


Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.


The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.