Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.