I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
This is hilarious….
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.