I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.