I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Sorry not sorry.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
