I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
She was REALLY feeling it.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated