I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…