I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
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BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?