I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library