I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
canadian assassins are called killergrams
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION