I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—