I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
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Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.