I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?