I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
That’s amazing.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”