I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies