@ozzyunc

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

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@KimmyMonte

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

@daemonic3

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

@causticbob

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

@mommajessiec

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

@JJSummertime

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

@nice_mustard

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

@blainecapatch

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@Tarrigan

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.