I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?


ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?


I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.


Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.


These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.


dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun


whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.



Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69


Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.