I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
what’s really going on
Van Gone
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…