I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
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Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I feel attacked.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
#Caturday
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.