I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.