I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
We have a winner.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
new shirt idea
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car