I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I have a type: disappointing
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
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“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
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Fly is dead.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.