@Reverend_Scott I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
@Stap_Jr I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@TheBoydP Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
@whatmaddness [inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
@cwhudson “asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
@poutinesmoothie If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
@MelvinofYork My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
@truegritrumble ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
@AndyAsAdjective Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
@BobTheSuit My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
@SirEviscerate GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE