I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE