I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.