I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance