I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..