i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The Punning Dead.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The internet is magic sometimes.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to