I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
You Might Also Like
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy