I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.